Decluttering Revisited– What About All Those Memories?

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We have memories throughout our lives.  My youngest granddaughter, about to turn 8, talks about them often – a particularly engaging dream in the past, a game that we used to play when she was “little” (last year) but don’t anymore, something that she used to be but is not now (meat eater to vegetarian).  Like me, she enjoys reading books and looking at TV shows that she liked earlier, with even a hint of nostalgia, as if enjoying a piece of childhood that is slipping away. 

Sound familiar?  Since childhood I have kept memory storage bins, each of which is like that huge box of family photos that you don’t want to throw away and can’t bear to sort.  Many are chronological, labeled high school, college, married with children, etc.  Others are topic-centered – friends, lovers, places, peak and low experiences. Significant memories are in multiple bins.  I know that these “keepers” are barely sorted…

Richard Rohr describes aging as an opportunity to return to a “second simplicity” in which we can discard useless complexity, mental, and sensory overload in favor of getting down to basics:  Who am I?  How have I been in the world?  What do I want from my relationships with others and with myself?

I confess: I am skeptical about whether a simple identity, with all the compulsions and desires of my earlier years stripped away, is within my reach.  Although I am retired, life still feels busy and complicated.  But I am willing to give it a try because I am drawn to the path…

But is it that simple?  Do I just need to Marie Kondo my memory files, finding those that give me joy or, alternatively, those that Rohr calls “bright sadness.”   And what happens to the increasing complexity that I become aware of when I unearth “old stuff” that has been buried for a while?

I could stop rummaging and just read more – friends talk about how reading is increasingly a simple pleasure.  But I like fiction, and great novels tickle my memory.  Any woman who has lived through a failing marriage will be moved by Anna Karenina, even if their own story is not an exact parallel.  I need Jane Austen to relive the way in which the constraints of our own culture shaped my earlier self – and how I prevailed (or did not…). And new books – I just finished Stone Yard Devotional by Charlotte Wood – propel me to reflect on my life, which adds rather than detracts from complexity!  I am not going to stop reading, even when it makes me dive into yet another storage bin…

But some files are dusty, and I have avoided them for years because they are
complicated.  One could be labeled “Random Regrets.”  I should just pitch them in the trash without looking…but, like the old box of unsorted family photos, the temptation is too great. 

At the top are moments of deep embarrassment, usually where ignorance or bad behavior stripped away a carefully constructed façade.  I still cringe at the time when I forcefully claimed that Austria was no longer a country…to a friend’s parent who was in active service in Europe in WWII.  I could put that one in the “No Longer Need” bin.

Less embarrassing but more poignant are regrets about people who were once in my life but are no longer. This hit me again as I was fumbling around in another file labeled “Living in London, 1967” and unearthed Jonathan, who has not come to mind for at least 40 years.   He was a typical, slightly damaged product of bad food, cold showers, and bullying in what the English call a “public school”.  Handsome enough, well-read in the Oxford kind of way, he could out-vocabulary me on almost any topic.  And I allowed him to kiss me when we went out and said yes when he called. 

But I didn’t really want more – I was willing to go out with him only until I solidified my relationship with a tall, rangy, and bright-eyed Cambridge graduate with floppy hair. He had recently returned from sailing across the Atlantic in a small boat and had an explorer’s spirit, only somewhat tamed. 

Jonathan was a spare

As I write that, I know it is true, but the discomfort is what Rohr calls a “bright sadness.”  I can see recurrent patterns of casually using people that escaped me at the time, perhaps because they were so frequent.  The memory of Jonathan (who was in my life for a short time) induces thick discomfort about how the thoughtlessness of the young adult me, whose need to be right, popular, and a bit of a smart ass, overcame my desire to be kind.

When I rummage around in the regrets file, I know that I cannot afford to toss everything if I hope to be on the path of second simplicity.  As I refile Jonathan into a new “Bright Sadness” bin, I am reminded of my increasing humility.  I still make mistakes, but I want to avoid old patterns that are inconsistent with the simpler me who gets up each morning asking how I can make that day’s actions more consistent with a loving universe.  Yet I also know that Marie Kondo-izing my memory bins is needed to reconcile with my less compassionate side, which I can now call “the Jonathan problem.”

The path to a second simplicity does not feel simple, nor do I think that Richard Rohr expects that.  To walk that path I need to confront, with humility (and often uncomfortable humor), who I have been.  No polished version; just me, warts and all.  That is closer to the curious wonder that I remember from my elementary school years than to the gravitas that I later labored to assume. 

Returning to a simpler but wiser self – a complicated job that requires regular housecleaning? 

Loneliness

Loneliness. . . that feeling of isolation you don’t know how to change. Advice abounds: join a group, call a friend for coffee, get a hobby, and of course, find a purpose. . . but you can’t seem to make yourself do those things. It’s your own fault you feel lonely. You need to shut off the TV, get off the couch, and stare down loneliness. You stay stuck in feelings, not the solution. Solutions are for math class. You long for the ideas of others, their insights about the world. You wish someone would call, but they don’t. You’re so tired of hearing nothing but your own mental chatter.

The surgeon general says we have an epidemic of loneliness, defined as an objective state “of having no one around or of being by oneself for protracted periods of time.” That’s you. In the UK, 49.63% of adults and in the US, one out of two adults report feeling lonely. You’re not alone after all. Half of the world is with you. You tell yourself, “Humans are inherently alone. Everyone knows that.”

 “Maybe I’ll go to the grocery store,” you think—there’s no one to say this aloud to. You don’t need groceries. You don’t really care about cooking and eating except as appeasements to hunger. Regardless of what the Mayo Clinic says about not watching TV when you eat, you do like to sit in front of it and have dinner. Antiques Roadshow, people like you, many are antiques themselves, rooting around in attics hoping for a windfall.

And they talk. “Maybe you should go to the grocery store and get yourself something special for dinner,” that blabbermouth in your head does tend to repeat herself.

You’re a tad ashamed of your self-absorbed loneliness. Look at Helen Mirren. She’s alone and she’s not lonely. She takes responsibility for herself—like you should. She reframes being alone as solitude, and it’s her choice. “Does having a choice make a difference?” you wonder. Mirren notes:

One of the great gifts of growing older is to discover the exquisite art of being alone. What used to be an uncomfortable silence, is now a luxury. The house is peaceful, and I can dance in the kitchen without being judged or just doing nothing. My best company is myself, with a coffee, a good movie and the freedom to be, because solitude is not absence, it is fullness and peace of mind.

You resolve to reframe your loneliness as solitude.

Maybe you could write a journal, like Amy Tan’s The Backyard Bird Chronicles. People would flock to your door. “That probably won’t happen,” your inner voice tells you. “You no longer have a bird feeder.” Sometimes that voice does say something worth listening to.

A few days later it rains. Streaks of water coat the windows, making everything outside blurry. It’s one of those 48° chilling rains. No grocery store visit today. You’re still on a Helen Mirren kick, so you make some tea (which you don’t really like but it works for the Brits), and you decide to reread May Sarton’s Journal of a Solitude. Maybe it has some hints for reframing.

Sarton describes solitude as a retreat from the demands of others, a way to find the “rocky depths” of her personality, a chance to do inward work to understand herself.  She argues that we have to make myths of our lives. . . to yield further insight into what it is to be alive, to be a human being. “Maybe I’ll be Emily Dickenson,” you think. Sarton explains:

My experience of great solitude is that its character is unstable—at times exalts and fortifies then soon beats down, and throws one into a starving and thirsty state. (Does that mean you should go to the grocery store?)

You’re more drawn to Sarton’s solitude than Mirren’s, who makes it sound like tea and a biscuit. Sarton sees personal growth in solitude and she doesn’t sugar coat it. Knowing ourselves can be painful, but you’ve always been willing.

That said, you’ve read all of May Sarton’s journals, and you know the truth about her. She maintained a huge correspondence with admirers and entertained a stream of visitors—friends, hired help, and readers—such that she lamented about how tired they made her. Is that really solitude?

The days roll on. You fill out questionnaires in self-help books, hoping to find your purpose. You grocery shop, watching people. You eat dinner and guess the answers for Jeopardy, although you’re not as quick as you used to be—but what 80-year-old knows the names of rap artists anyhow? Finally, it’s bedtime. Two cats vie for a spot on the bed—see, you do have company. You read a self-help book with another one of those questionnaires and then settle in with something entertaining. A whiff of Pranarōm’s Sleep Aid and you’re off to dreamland, full of people and adventures, wild car rides, trips with significant others, not being able to run when you need to, flying (that’s my favorite—wouldn’t you love to fly?). Dreamland. It’s a place where you are never lonely.

Dear Readers.

I am not lonely. I have a passionate engagement with a rosemaling group, volunteer work I love, two writers’ groups, church, friends, and an attentive family. I have, however, had lonely times in my life, so I know what it is like. I worry that our society blames the lonely person, puts it on them to find a way out. So, if you know someone that you suspect is lonely, offer a hand up from that swamp. Call them up. Share your thoughts about something of interest. Connect.

All the lonely people, where do they all come from…

 (Paul McCartney)

Hope – Yet Again

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The older I get, the more I rely on hope.  I last wrote about hope at the beginning of the COVID pandemic, when uncertainty and dread predominated around the world and in me.  I wrote to remind myself that hope is not a gift, but a practice and a ritual, like brushing teeth or lighting candles to signal an occasion. 

But here we are, only five years later, and the world again feels chaotic.  I nurture my shrinking store of hope with a new practice: limiting my morning news consumption to headlines and then moving into meditation.  I rewrite stories of a bleak future by thinking about the promise of a younger person in my life, where younger can mean 50 or 5. I consider, like other friends, leaving my social websites.  Think of the time I will have to read more books! …and call people on the phone.  Every conversation is an opportunity to connect with hope.

However, I can’t avoid everything. I logged in to LinkedIn and confronted a despairing post about the Target corporation’s decision to eliminate its diversity, equity and inclusion office.  Then I remind myself that change is non-linear. A famous quote, “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice,” is often interpreted as a call to patience and perseverance, ignoring MLK’s deep experience with progress and predictable backlash.  If there is progress, it is like a spiral. 

Efforts to label DEI, initiated to redress historical exclusion, as discrimination are jaw-dropping: Should I rail in anguish? Now I can anticipate boycotts of Target as well, all in the name of resisting the threat of oligarchy and a retreat from what seemed like progress in confronting our individual and national shadow selves

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But does overt resistance bring us hope?  Or, should I be reminded of Arundhati Roy’s profound observation: “the rupture exists….And in the midst of this terrible despair …it is a gateway between one world and the next.”  I need to remain open to alternative stories.

I reconsider a small investigation that I conducted with a group of students years ago, which rewrote our story of failure.  I moved to the University of Minnesota because of a new president who sought to re-energize the role of a state-funded research university, paring away historical artifacts to embrace a more limber capacity to respond to emerging social needs.  The initiative was optimistically titled Commitment to Focus.   Unfortunately, a list of recommendations from a faculty committee included sharing the Veterinary and Dental Schools with an adjoining state.  Between outraged farmers driving their tractors onto an urban campus, and the implacable opposition of the state’s professional associations, Ken Keller was blamed for insensitivity to “real Minnesota” and his position became nonviable in a state where populist legislators wanted to continue every program along with the tradition of accepting most students who could breathe (even though the result was a high rate of failure). 

When my students and I interviewed administrators and faculty a year later to understand the harm done by Keller’s abrupt departure, it became clear that the interim president had adopted his agenda with minor tweaks and a different name.  The subsequent president changed the name again but went forward with the plan (minus visible changes in Dental and Veterinary programs).

Based on this experience, how might we respond when highly publicized diversity, equity and inclusion offices are officially disbanded?  I propose hope, not because corporations (or universities) do the right thing, but because the arc of justice is not embedded in a name, but in actions.

Photo by Austin Kirk at Unsplash

Diversity initiatives have a positive effect on corporate bottom lines — even the ultra-conservative Forbes agrees — and these pre-existed DEI offices. This, has, of course, been the argument in higher ed for decades:  diversity in the opinions, experiences and backgrounds that students and faculty bring with them are the “juice” that stimulates learning and improvement. In other words, universities and corporations have self-interest as well as social commitments to keeping the spiral moving in the direction of diversity.

So, is abandoning a label and office always corrupt or a cop out?  Or is it a story of how resistance can also be a portal, allowing us to see it afresh?  We know that when lofty ideas (like DEI offices) spread rapidly, easy initiatives are adopted more often than challenging efforts.  Low-quality diversity training, on which billions are spent, has limited effects on  the individuals and groups that it is supposed to benefit.  A few universities and corporations have already taken the longer route toward changing the organizational culture to be more welcoming and supportive of difference (which is associated with better decision making and positive organizational outcomes).

If circumstances force people or groups to give up one treasured item or habit, some will quit or sulk.  But many go on and search for replacements, which may involve novel approaches, new ways of thinking.  Will that be the case with Target?  With universities in states where mandates have decimated DEI offices?

It may happen.  It may not.  But it pleases me to think about resistance as subversive innovation…. turning the spiral toward justice.  And I think about my grandchildren, just bursting with ideas and ideals, with confidence – beyond optimism – that their generation will imagine new ways of organizing, working, and changing that will allow them to carry on the family tradition of working at hope. 

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I recently signed up for a woman’s retreat whose aim is “to free us from disillusionment, negativity, lack of imagination, anger, busyness, and more.”  Sounds like just what I need…and I will continue to find those whose opinions I value, to bring curiosity back in – along with hope.

Resolution…Or A Nudge?

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For the past few years, the Washington Post has provided an alternative to New Year’s Resolutions.  Instead of articulating the characteristics of a “good” resolution, it suggests that we adopt a nudge

I had to think about that for a while: What is a nudge, and how is it different from an intention?  As a devotee of Monty Python’s Flying Circus, I am first struck by how it has leaked into our vernacular as a short-hand for sexual  innuendo (the “nudge, nudge, wink, wink”  episode).  Moving on, one self-help coach, opines that “”If a stick is floating down a river and gets stuck… It just needs a little nudge and then it will get back into the flow of the river.”  Nudges are small but can have big effects. Chetan Bhagat adds that a nudge can be commonplace but “because it connects with you it holds meaning for you.”  So, if nudges are both commonplace and sometimes unpredictable, why try to adopt one? 

Well, having abandoned New Year’s Resolutions in my 20s (because they never lasted for more than a month), I discovered the nudge without anticipating it. 

A few decades ago, I slowly became aware that judgments infused almost every interaction.  Conversing with a colleague, my mind would remark, “he is a wonderful person, and his shoes are really great.”  Why is that a problem?  Because more often the automatic reaction was, “She is so smart, but I wonder why she can’t seem to get a flattering haircut.”  Routinely grasping for negative observations was accompanied by my ubiquitous irritation with people who didn’t act to make my world better: the person in line at the drug store who wanted to discuss their medications at length while I needed to get out of there ASAP, the jerk in the car that pulled in ahead of me to enter the freeway without a signal.  The list was endless. 

photo by Rashid on UnSplash

That year, in the middle of a yoga class where I was, as usual, assessing the quality of everyone else’s Warrior II pose, I came to an instant insight: my unkind thoughts harmed me, but not the other person.  The antidote came as a nudge: don’t resolve to stop thinking harshly – but instead embrace compassion.  I held the nudge of compassion through yoga and other moments of calm for most of that year and it changed me.  No, I am not perfect, but the judgment that colored my life gradually lifted with my nudge word. 

There we are: insights and subsequent nudges may be unpredictable, but they are not random.  We may not feel the nudge because we are not paying attention.  Nudges come and go every day, but when I carefully read a poem, I sometimes gasp because it says something that I have not been able to articulate – almost any Mary Oliver poem can do that.  Who is not nudged by her “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”   But I can also look for a nudge when I sense that need one – or, if New Year’s Day rolls around and I cannot resist the idea that every year brings something new.  If I am lucky, a word or image appears, and when I am paying attention, I can hold it and keep it as mine.

But as I contemplate how a spontaneous nudge can change me, I am also leery of how human beings invariably try to tame the ephemeral.  If you Google “nudge word”, you quickly come to social science, which tries to turn the expansive human experience into a solution for what ails us: “Nudge theory is a concept in behavioral economics, decision making, behavioral policy, social psychology, consumer behavior, and related behavioral sciences that proposes adaptive designs of the decision environment as ways to influence the behavior…of groups or individuals.” (Wikipedia)

Ouch — The social scientist’s nudge theory is designed to deliberately select small inputs to change people’s behavior in predictable ways.  This does not sound like Mary Oliver, who invariably directs our attention to surprise! 

In any case, my first experience of a nudge word, decades before it became “a thing”, suggests that when I am at a turning point, whether temporal, psychological, or spiritual, a word, phrase, or image can point a direction.  This year, the Washington Post’s article led me to the word Journey.  It feels like an appropriate invitation as I make deliberate choices to do less. 

Focus on what is now in my wild and precious life rather than plans, goals, or anything else that causes striving.  Chop wood, carry water.  Do the next best thing.  Take time to think about the journey and pay attention to what I can see right in front of me.  Take time to look back and ponder what I have learned.  Move, but not so fast that I don’t take time to observe…

Of course that is only a nudge….