Telling and Retelling the Story

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A few weeks ago, I went with a small group on a pilgrimage  to visit Selma, Montgomery and Birmingham.  According to Wikipedia, “A pilgrimage is a journey to a holy place, which can lead to a personal transformation, after which the pilgrim returns to their daily life”.  We are called to a pilgrimage, whether it is to Mecca, Santiago de Compostela, or a 10-day silent retreat in the wilderness,  because it is connected to our spiritual beliefs and commitments.  A pilgrimage is not expected to be fun because transformation is challenging, even when the pilgrim experiences joy – and this was my first.

It is a stretch to think of Alabama as a holy place, but I was called to learn from sites where social and personal transformation occurred during one of the darkest times in American history. I expected that the weight of what I would see would be too difficult to bear alone, and I knew that I would depend on the group.  I anticipated visceral and emotional experiences while immersed in places and events that I experienced, as a white, northern adolescent of the 1960s, only on a small black-and-white TV.   

–National Memorial for Peace and Justice

Some of these challenges were obvious, as we silently crossed the heavily traveled Edmund Pettus Bridge, caught in the horror of Bloody Sunday.   Or while I mourned, in overwhelmed silence, in the National Memorial for Peace and Justice, built as a sacred space to honor over 4000 people who were documented Black victims of lynching between 1877 and 1955.    Each experience was painful, and each day exhausting, but they left me with a desire to go on, to understand more.

 But there were cracks in the darkness, reminding me that a pilgrimage is about being open to something new….So, unexpectedly, I found hope, even while contemplating the vast evidence of the “whitewashing” of my country’s history that began shortly after the end of slavery and continues, only minimally disrupted, in the national collective conscience.  I found hope –in the stories of people who participated in the boycotts and the marches, whose message was less words than the continuing display of commitment, persistence, and the capacity to overcome fear for a wider goal.   And I also came across younger people who are working in new ways.

I found hope at The Mothers of Gynecology Monument, a small, privately conceived and owned enterprise, whose development was the vision of Michelle Browder.  I use the term enterprise carefully, because the small lot in an inauspicious area of Montgomery did not announce its radical message on the outside.  Only when we parked our van and entered did I realize that Michelle, the artist who conceived it, did far more than create monumental sculptures memorializing three slave women whose bodies were subjected to a variety of experiments by Dr. J. Marion Sims, who became famous as the Father of Modern Gynecology.

The sculptures are magnificent, evoking both the dignity and the pain that Anarcha, Betsy and Lucy endured.  And they are technically beautiful, taking welding (not a common art form for women) and use of materials to a level than I have not previously experienced.  Unlike a Calder mobile, with its distinctive simplicity of form and movement, Anarcha, Betsy and Lucy are vividly ornate, surprisingly fleshy given their metallic glow, and terrifying in their portrayal of the consequences of involuntary, unanesthetized surgery.  They are also queenly and stoic, survivors in the face of slavery and savagery.  If anything, I thought of them as contemporary versions of the Greek kourai – the monumental females whose bodies hold up the Acropolis.

Michelle uses art as a starting point for social action – Artist as Change Agent.  Also within the Monument is a modern van, outfitted as a traveling gynecological clinic that she and her staff take out to women who do not have access to quality care.  After purchasing Dr. J Marion Sims former downtown Montgomery office, she removed a plaque lauding his accomplishments — and installed it as part of an sly artistic reimagining of what the experiments might have been like if their subject was a middle-aged White man.  His office is being re-purposed as a women’s health clinic.  Not content to limit herself to Montgomery, Michelle and her collaborators are developing educational centers and annual conferences to examine racial disparities in women’s health. If Michelle – artist, activist, and social entrepreneur – is not cause for hope, I can’t imagine where I will find it.

My pilgrimage added to my old story — that the civil rights movement’s non-violent challenge to oppression nudged the needle of justice toward freedom but left oppressive structures largely untroubled. But it also revealed new stories of subversive and novel ways of upending the story that nothing has changed or is changing.  Knowing the story.  Looking for more within the story.  Re-telling the story in new ways.  Taking the story inside and into the world to speak to our hearts.  That is what spiritual development is about.  My transformations from the pilgrimage continue to emerge.  What I did not expect was hope, yet that is what stands out.

Why Knit?

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Photo provided by fellow knitter, Kathy Jensen

When people comment on a sweater that I knit for myself, it is usually followed by “My grandmother taught me to knit, but I haven’t done it since I was a kid” or “I tried it once…”.  This response astonishes me because I know, deep in my bones, that my life is enriched by knitting in so many ways.  It is rarely about the sweater, the pair of socks, or the baby blanket.  It is about a raft of other emotional and embodied experiences that I associate with knitting. 

I learned to knit when I was 11 and living with my parents in Norway for a year. Yes, knitting was part of the curriculum for all students in public schools at that time  – unfortunately, it was eliminated at some point in the 90s.  My 11-year-old school project was a ski hat with a Norwegian stranded design in the cuff…no scarves for me!   And, I still knit the Norwegian Way (which can be learned on YouTube, if you care to, from the adorable aging Norwegian knitting couple, Arne and Carlos).

I have always loved anything made of fabric…tapestries, hand-woven clothing, batik, quilts…there is something that sings to my soul when I look at the way in which women, throughout time, have used whatever they have on hand to create something beautiful – and sometimes useful.  One of my prized possessions is this untitled tapestry by Ann Baddeley, which I call Freedom to Fly.  I first saw a much larger version, requiring a house of a different size and a bank account to go with it (many tapestries are priced by the square inch).  The gallery called me six months later and said that they had found a similar but smaller and slightly more affordable one.

With the advent of a demanding career and children, I stopped knitting for many years, with a few exceptions — a poorly thought-out Icelandic pullover for my husband and an adorable Norwegian cardigan worn by both my daughters (and now several grandchildren).  But my first grandchild (now 19) inspired me, and I haven’t stopped since….I am a regular member of Ravelry.com, an on-line space for knitters, where there are always over 3000 people with me when I log in.  There I can upload pictures of my own projects (147 since I joined in 2008) and look at what other people have done with the same yarn.  We “friend” and chat – there are groups to enjoy specific yarns or designers, and KALs (knit-a-longs) where people enjoy talking about how they are re-imagining a specific project, whether it is yarn substitutions, colors, sizing, or other “mods”.

But there is much more than being part of both a very old and also very current tradition which, with a few exceptions, is female dominated from the raising of the sheep to the designs. When people ask me why I knit, I rarely refer to the objects I have made but to the process of making them.  Just as some people love the preparation of the materials for an elaborate dish – chopping this-and-that, determining the garnish, collecting the individual spices – I linger in on-line and physical yarn stores, murmuring over colors, textures, and dreaming of what COULD be done with them, even if I know that I will not go any further than the murmurs.   Like a cook loves their knives, I like all of my 50 pairs of needles, the small scissors that I use to clip loose ends, and the various colored markers that we knitters use to keep track of complicated projects.  In other words, the STUFF of knitting is appealing to me.  When we lived in Minneapolis, Dan took me to Steven B’s, lorded over by the self-designated Glitter Knitter – for a special a yearly birthday treat and a prize skein. 

But more than that, we knitters share an understanding of knitting as therapy.  I try never to knit anything that has an absolute deadline (your gift WILL be late!) because I have enough deadlines and appointments in the rest of my life.  There is something about the feel of a delicious yarn passing through the fingers that excites the senses.  Then, there is the rhythm of it – when the stitches just seem to flow and you lose track of time.  I think of it as akin to walking meditation.  There is curiosity and challenge when you want them – always new techniques, different ways of making the wool do what you hope. 

More important is that knitting is one space in my life where I rarely judge myself.  If I make a mistake – well, it always happens and, after the first unprintable exclamation, I contentedly Tink (knit backwards) until I can fix it.  Because the process, the excitement, and the tactile elements are most important, if the final product is a bit disappointing – well, someone who visits Goodwill will probably find it warm and cozy – and maybe even like it!  Or, you can always rip it all out and use that beautiful yarn for something else…

I don’t recommend knitting unless someone is really interested…but I hope that you find something equivalent in your life, something easily available that will give you the sense of being centered that I find when it is just me, a ball of yarn, and an idea of something to make with it.

From woolyknitter.blogspot. (Credit : pinterest.com)

Big H . . . Little h

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Hope is the thing with feathers. I’ve heard that line many times, read the poem over and over, but I’ve never been sure what it means. LitCharts says the poem means, that hope is a strong-willed bird that lives within the human soul—and sings its song no matter what. Almost an a priori trait that we humans hold. But sometimes I worry that “hope” is cheap talk, especially when the speaker of the house, Mike Johnson, says, after the Nashville school shooting:   We are hopeful and prayerful.

Maybe another reason I’m unsure about hope is that the last year of my husband Jim’s life, I felt like that thing with feathers had flown away, to other souls perhaps. He declined daily, although at the time, he believed—and tried to persuade me—that if he just exercised more, sat in his compression boots longer, or ate more liver and beets, all would improve. But it didn’t. He’d make plans to go places like the Lakes Area Music Festival in Brainerd or Blue Fin Bay, our special place on Lake Superior. Then, at the last minute he’d tell me to cancel the reservations, never admitting he wasn’t up to it, instead hanging on to hope with an excuse like—”We don’t need to drive all that way when we have a lake right here, and we can watch the music festival online.”

 Although I said nothing to Jim, I felt like illness had usurped our lives. I don’t know whether he felt the same way or not, but nightly we’d try to perk up each other by simply sitting together holding hands. In retrospect, hope may have flown away, but love held steady.

 It is not my singular experience that hope can be threatened as we age. As Sarah Forbes writes in the Journal of Gerontological Nursing:

The elderly face numerous cumulating losses, such as the loss of a secure future, financial security, functional independence, bodily mobility, significant relationships, societal and familial roles, and bowel and bladder control.

Whew, that makes me not only unsure but discouraged, too. I (The word elderly alone is enough to send me to the mirror to see if I am indeed, elderly).

While this quote refers to a unique age group, hope is something we have throughout our lives, from the moment we awaken, “I hope I have a good day,” to falling asleep at night, “Gosh I hope I sleep well.” We hope for good weather or to spend time with loved ones. When I was young, I used to hope that after I paid the bills for the month, there’d be some money left over. Human hopes are a long, long list. In the spirit of my earlier blog about Big P, little p, or Big Purpose, little purpose, I’m labeling these hopes of daily life, little h.

But what about Big H. . .

This morning I picked up the StarTribune and read Pot use rises along with calls for help, and Woman opens fire in Texas church. Tucked further in was an article about climate change and record warmth in Minnesota’s north. Rarely does reading the paper give me hope about anything. Maybe that sells papers, but it sure can add additional weight to those “cumulating losses” that come with age. I call this kind of hope, or lack thereof, Big H, worldly stuff: climate, society, and what kind of future the world’s children will have.

After Jim died, I struggled to regain hope. A family member became seriously ill, I learned of contemporaries dying, and the news remained dark. It felt bleak, and I missed my man who always told me, “Humans will figure it out. I’m hopeful.”

But then, suddenly, when I least expected it, that thing with feathers found me. I’d agreed to teach half time this year for the University.  Friends wondered why I said yes to this when I was retired and busy with both Jim and other projects. But something told me I should. The first week of class, I asked students to post short PowerPoints about themselves online so we could get to know one another virtually, to counter an environment where we feel like just a name. And there, in those PowerPoints, perched that bird! I broke into a smile as I read about young people intent on making their lives and the world better. Here are some of the activities these students do in addition to raising families and going to school:

  • Volunteer with local animal rescue;
  • Advocate for parents and babies
  • Change the lives and livelihoods of my people (Gambia);
  • Music therapist;
  • Mandela Fellow;
  • Peer health educator working with drug users;
  • Physician working with Disaster Preparedness and Response;
  • College success coach;
  • Started a non-profit Mother to You (sends medical supplies to Senegal);
  • US House of Representatives Senior Policy Advisor; and
  • MN Justice Research Ctr, transform current legal system.

There are 45 students in my class so I could go on, but my point is that when I read their PowerPoints, I read hope, an abundance of both Big H and little h. Suddenly this elderly person knew that hope was flourishing all around her.   

Although I struggled to feel hope in that last year of Jim’s life, I remember all the little h’s that Jim and I had in the ten years of our marriage. At the same time, he fervently believed that humans would come together and solve the world’s problems. Jim epitomized both Big H and little h. I remember him in the hospital, a week before he died, asking me for his wallet so he could reserve a weekend at Blue Fin when he got better. Maybe Emily Dickenson had it right. If we pay attention, that thing with feathers is all around us.

What’s It All About

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As I reflected on turning 80, I remembered some milestones along the journey, which started when I was a pre-teen, realizing that I would die someday. I    saw a table in the Racine Journal Times that predicted how long you would live based on your age.

“I’m going to live to be 69,” I told my stepfather, Don, waving the paper in front of him. 69 sounded like forever.

          “That’s based on probability,” Don said. “And the war probably affected the calculations. I wouldn’t put too much stock in it. No one knows how long they’ll live.

          I shelved my predicted use-by-date and proceeded to live my life, although I never forgot that number. I wanted to pass it, to live to 100, at least. I once told my grandson that someone has to be the first person to live forever, and why shouldn’t that someone be me. Then, in my 69th year, as I approached my 70th birthday, about to move past my milestone, almost to taunt me, I came down with the flu, and I was SICK. I felt that if I could somehow get to my birthday, I’d get well, be okay. Whew! 70. I made it, and I felt better almost immediately. I’d dodged my first longevity bullet.

          My next bullet was 74, the age at which my mother died. I didn’t think about it—well, maybe a little. I did notice that after seventy, I developed a consciousness about age. Time seemed to speed up, too. I was no longer in those long years of childhood, sitting on the front porch in August thinking school would never start.

Friends started to die, much too young. Seventy-four came and went. But then, suddenly, I was 79, soon to be eighty…and here I am, an 80-year-old. I suspect that after 80, I should take these age goals in smaller bites—I think I’ll try for 82, the age that my husband, Jim, died.

It strikes me that there’s something competitive in setting age goals and then celebrating when I pass them. I tell myself, “Karen, it’s not a race.” And yet it feels like an accomplishment that says to the world, “She ate her broccoli; She didn’t smoke; She got 8 hours of sleep at night”. . . and so on. We are fed a daily diet of strategies to lengthen our lives.

I think about my husband, watching him struggle up the stairs, stop and catch his breath, walk to the car, where he’d hang over the door to catch his breath once again before sitting down, and then drive to LA Fitness where he walked the treadmill. Watching someone work so hard at staying alive while dying, suggests that my time could be better spent doing the things I love rather than things that might help me live longer. Maybe I’ll throw the race and have a leisurely run instead.

Not only does turning 80 make me think about what growing older means for me, it also really scares me. I can’t remember a time in my life when the future felt so ominous. My fears are larger than my own death, which is quite enough to contemplate. I worry about the world that my grandchildren will navigate: climate change and unrest throughout the world. I push these worries from my mind because my time to solve the problems of the world has passed.

In my 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and even 70’s, I was always planning the next steps in my life. But at 80, my world grows smaller, I feel myself move inward and worry about my own death. I won’t get to choose whether I die from disease or old age.  I’d like to be “one who wraps the drapery of his couch about him, and lies down to pleasant dreams”,  but I have watched death up close and it can be hard.

I recently saw a condo that I thought would be a good place for me to live more simply and freely – where I could stay for a long time. I couldn’t sleep because I was so excited thinking how I would update it, where I’d put my furniture, and how I’d afford owning two domiciles while my house—where I have lived with Jim for over a decade—was sold. It was classic Karen—when life gets stressful—leave it behind—MOVE on. . . and out. Then I realized that that has never really worked.  There is no moving away from what scares me this time.

And so here I am, 80, healthy, riding my bike around the beautiful Minneapolis lakes, renovating my lower-level living space, planning trips, curious about the future — but reluctant to plan too much. What does that leave me? Something plenty big. Life, life itself, the basics.

Winter is here in Minnesota, the wind cuts, the roads and sidewalks are slippery, we retreat indoors. Walking with my daughter outside today we started on the “I hate winter” mantra. “Stop!” I said. “I promised myself to stop saying that all winter long. It doesn’t make winter any easier, and it keeps me from seeing the beauty in winter.”

And I want to see the beauty in all that is around me, in a way I have never wanted to before. I want to revel in the humdrum of daily life, a good book, my annoying cats who hound me when I’m at the computer, a broken valve on the boiler, Apple TV when I’m tired, and a hot water bottle on my feet at night—all of which happened this first week of being 80, all of which I’m grateful for having lived.