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Retirement has put me in a stock-taking mood, less a search for meaning than simply an understanding of my past and present. I often turn to internal story-telling….
My narratives change with new insights and reedits. These days, I have moved away from event-based stories (the college years; the productive 50s…). Julia Cameron, in her follow-up to The Artist’s Way focusing on the over-60 crowd, urges us to take our chronological age, divided it by 7, and write about the years included in each span. As Dan and I watched the 7-Up series, which every 7 years revisits the lives of a randomly assembled set of English children, I thought of how powerful it is to break away from the constraints of decades or major events as chapter markers in our stories…
But in the past few months my internal storytelling has focused less on chronology and more on the way in which people intersect with each other and with loosely defined periods in my life. Much of this happens when someone from my past seems to pop in to my mind for several days, causing me to rethink how and where they belong in the threads braided into my experience.
Last week a personal message on LinkedIn told me of the death of someone with whom I had lost contact. That loose connection, between continents (my friend who died was Dutch) and across generations (the messenger is at least 20 years younger than I am), activated memories of a wider network of people who were meaningful to me over more than a decade, even though they did not constitute an identifiable social group. What I was struck with again is the how this nebulous collection of colleagues, friends, acquaintances has provided meaning to my life, even though its members do not cohere into a usual life-story format. They represent, collectively as well as individually, an extended period in which I felts as if I was learning about the world, other people, and professionally every day.
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Thich Nhat Hanh’s idea of interbeing – the dependence of all beings and things upon one another captures this nostalgic gratitude:
… I was looking for an English word to describe our deep interconnection with everything else. I liked the word “togetherness,” but I finally came up with the word “interbeing.” The verb “to be” can be misleading, because we cannot be by ourselves, alone … the action of interbeing reflects reality more accurately. We inter-are with one another and with all life…. Whether we’re at work or at home, we can practice to see all our ancestors and teachers present in our actions… We can experience profound connection and free ourselves from the idea that we are a separate self ( from The Art of Living)
While this way of thinking is still a bit mind boggling to a Westerner raised with Descartes’ individualistic claim that “I think therefore I am”, it leads me to pay attention to human connections beyond the people I love with all my heart. Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter can be a rabbit hole and a space to post the least interesting things that happen in my life (yes, I admit to occasionally bragging about Wordle), but they also allow me to contemplate the loose linkages that are part of my direct experience of interbeing.
I smile when I read the words of adult children of friends whom I haven’t seen in years, and I am filled with awe as I look at them sending their own babies to college. At one level this seems trivial, but at another it reminds me that networks are never lost, even if they are not currently active. And, as the miracle of Facebook informs me that a friend who meant the world to me from 7th through 12th grade had visited her childhood home, I became instantly reconnected to her parents, whose escape from Nazi Germany created the opportunity for hosting a gaggle of very ordinary American teenage girls, which in turn opened up other doors of connections, known and unknown.
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I am also in awe of how my own (middle aged) “kids”, who grew up in a world of cheap phone calls, cheap flights, and the internet, keep consistent contact with beloved friends from high school as well as college. I, however, grew up in an era when a long-distance call home to my parents from college was short because it was costly, and visits to relatives who lived a few states away were rare because they involved several days of driving. Constant connection is a habit I never developed, and my life is littered with people—friends, relatives, mentors– with whom I lost touch with completely. And now, increasingly, I think about those who died before I could reconnect and share the unspoken gratitude for what we meant to each other.
I regret these lapses as a byproduct of the dismal period when the art of letter writing had died but the internet was not yet born. However, I am persistently struck by the way in which inactive connections become potent with even a few exchanges. During Covid, Google provided me with the email of someone who I knew in both college and grad school — I thought she would be amused that I had cited her 1972 dissertation in a paper. We have been exchanging episodic emails with personal, professional and family news – almost as if there were not a 50-year gap in our shared experiences. Facebook and loose connections allowed my own adolescent gang of “cool nerds” to commit to our 50-year high school reunion and, more surprisingly, to two additional get togethers with some (including me) traveling long distances. Our parents are gone, none of us live near where we grew up, and we are the only ones other than siblings who can tell stories about our teenage years that stir a sense of connection not only with each other but with place and time.
I know that taking interbeing seriously requires more sustained spiritual practice. But perhaps it is the enforced isolation from our closest friends and family during Covid that supports the deeper significance of our looser human connections, whether one-off conversations, attentive participation in group events, or the spontaneous reconnecting that seems to be happening in my life. As I get older, the significance of loose ties that are filled with caring and compassion has never seemed more important. I am committed to contacting at least one “loose” connection regularly, only to remind ourselves of how we fit into each other’s stories….
This reminded me of all my colleagues when I taught school with whom I’ve lost contact. My life was so demanding after I left that staying in touch was difficult. Still I’m reminded of all they taught me and all we shared as teachers. I love this blog, thank you.
Oddly, Wordle postings on FB has been a conduit to more meaningful reconnections with connections from my past.
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Yes! I totally agree. Sometimes reconnecting is purposeful and sometimes it is just a gift of our new technology. But I find that it is the quotidian posting (like Wordle) that ssometimes makes be want to comment more than the gorgeous sunset that will let me push the “like” or “love button.
Thx for the post. I recently made a list of people I’d lost contact with but that’s as far as I got. Your post got me to call one friend today, and I plan to do the same tomorrow.
Bev—thank you! It took me a while to get to the conclusion that you immediately acted on!
Your notion of “interbeing” led me to thinking of myself [and others, of course] as part of a fabric, sometimes tightly woven, sometimes loosely. I have a hometown friend since kindergarten who I talk with 3-6 times a year, one from secondary school every month or so, and more recent “adult” friends who I talk with every couple of weeks. Usually I’m the one initiating the call but it’s never rejected. Different than weekly calls with my sons but part of the fabric of my life that gives it coherence and keeps me sane. They’re part of mine and I’m part of theirs, whether they think of it that way or not. Better than the alternative. Thanks for the nudge to reflect a bit differently.
Thanks David—you are, of course, part of the first story in this blog….I am sure you recognize whose death I am taking about- and a continuing presence in my story…
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